I didn't want that anyways..

Here is a funny little story from my day today. Not really exciting, just funny.

Today was my day to take my grandma out to do some shopping. We always go to lunch. Usually drive thru or fast food of some sort, but today was different. We both had a craving for Red Robin, so off we went. We finished up our errands and arrived at RR. Neither one of us could decide what we wanted so I suggested two items, the rice bowl and the BBQ chicken wrap and we split them both. One of the other servers was bringing our food to us, when all of a sudden she walked around the corner in the kitchen and one of the rice bowls went crashing to the ground upside down, rice and veggies went flying for feet. She looked up at us (we were sitting right by the kitchen) and said, "you didn't want that did you?" I almost wanted to say no, because I didn't really, the wrap was enough. But I told her we did. So they made a fresh one and brought it to Grandma and me. Good times. Everyone was laughing and making fun of the poor girl. I felt bad for her, I know how it feels to be in a restaurant and spill or break something and everyone looks over at you. Embarrassing. So ya, that was a fun adventure today.

Today I am thankful for good eats.

What lies ahead, or behind, or hidden...

I have been thinking about the future a lot lately. What am I going to do this summer? Am I going to return to Washington and continue working at the same restaurant I have been at for almost 4 years? Or am I going to stay in California and build on friendships and relationships that I have started or will start this semester? And then I think about a career, what am I going to be when I grow up? And who am I going to marry? When will my wedding be? Then I sit back and think to myself, who cares? Why am I wasting my time thinking about these trivia things? I should have the faith to know that God is going to answer these questions for me when the time is right. Not on my time, or when I want to know them (now!), but when God is ready to tell me Himself, when He feels I am ready to handle the answers He has for me.

I am trying to be thankful for the answers I do have and for each day that I have here. I am thankful that God has blessed me with so many wonderful friends to help me through my struggles. I know that I can always count on them for a pick me up. I need to stop worrying about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34) and be thankful for the days I have now, and those answers. Good night for now.

I'm a what??

So there hasn't been much going on in the 'quah (Issaquah) for the past few weeks. It has been extremely boring being the only person left and not in school. I am so ready to go back to Cali and get back into my routine of school and work. I never thought I would be saying it, but it is true. I am actually ready and willing to go to Cali. Weird. But I guess certain things have changed and that is good that I can say that.

If there is any big exciting news I will post again, but I have a feeling there won't be. Good night.

Why me?

Last night I was bored and had nothing to do so my wonderful mother asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I wasn't really set on it but I had nothing else to do so off we went to Galleria. All the way there we were debating about what movie to see. I stopped at Taco Time to get some food because I was starving and we finally arrived at the theatre, still with no movie in mind. We got to the window and I asked the lady what time it was, 9:43. We could see Sideways, which got really good ratings, but started in 2 minutes (not enough time to get in, get drinks and popcorn and the necessities). Or we could see Hotel Rwanda which started at 10. That was the best option.

We were sitting in the theatre chatting during the previews and then it started. Oh my gosh, my body ached after watching this amazing movie. The story was so good. Briefly, it is about a hotel manager that basically has to turn his hotel into a refugee camp of sorts. It is saddening to see what these people had to go through, the tutsi people that is. It is a very good movie that keeps you holding on till the very end (which is why I had to pee so bad after, I didn't want to leave the theatre).

So now, after this wonderfully sad movie, I naturally had to pee. So off to the restroom we went. Sorry for the graphic details, but it is really funny. As I entered the stall I noticed automatic flushers on these specific toilets. I put a liner down, and proceeded to do my duties when all of a sudden to my surprise, the toilet began to flush. As I was peeing, my urine and nasty toilet water were being splashed back up at me with great force. There was nothing I could do except continue doing what I had to do. My mom was in the stall next to me laughing hysterically, which I was too. I was laughing so loud and snorting that I began to cry. It was humerous but absolutely disgusting at the same time. I couldn't believe it. Then when I wanted the stupid toilet to flush it wouldn't. So on the back of the toilet they have a little button that you can push if it doesn't go automatically. So of course, I reached to the back, and to my surprise, the movement made the toilet flush on it's own. So again, I was sprayed with lovely water, but this time all down the front of me and in my face. There was nothing I could do except run for my life. It was lovely.

So yeah, yesterday was not a good toilet day for me. I forgot to mention that I woke up yesterday morning to my bathroom toilet leaking water all over the floor. It was all puddled and I couldn't see it, so I stepped in it and got a little wet surprise. So I had to spend my morning taking care of that, mopping up the floor and draining the tank and everything.

Don't you just love toilets? Can't live with them, can't live without them. Anyhow, so yeah.

It's A Girl!!!

No, I am not pregnant, and no I did not just give birth, nor did anyone I know.

My parents just sponsored a little girl from Uganda through World Vision. She is so cute. She is 5 1/2 years old and her name is Agnes. Such a darling little girl.

She is an only child and lives with her grandparents because her parents have died due to the AIDS/HIV epidemic that has spread throughout Africa. Such a tragic story, but a real story. Here is a link to Ryan's blog for more about AIDS in Africa.

The lowest of lows

Do you know that saying that says you have to hit rock bottom before you can work your way back up? Well that is where I am at. I am at the lowest of low. I am deep on the canyon floor looking in only one direction, up. Up to the skies, up to the top of the valley, up to my one and only, looking up to God.

I have recently (within the past couple of days and nights) come to the conclusion that I need to make some major life changes, and start over. I have not been living the life I wished to live. I have not been living a good Christian life (whatever that may mean). I have been living a life of lies, cheating, and I have been one of those hypocritical Christians.

I have fallen into the traps of society. I have allowed myself to be pressured into things I thought I wanted when in fact I didn't really want them and I knew they were bad for me.

That is not the only thing on my heavy heart tonight. I have been feeling like I am only an object of men's affection. Many guys in my life right now have just wanted me physically/sexually. I am not going to take it anymore. I don't need that, nor do I want it. I don't want men looking at me and wanting to get with me (although I know it will still happen because that is just how some guys are), but I don't want to play into it. I am sick of guys talking about me and my body, I am tired of them not wanting all of me. I want and need a man that is going to love me and love all of me. I don't need sexual impurity in my life, and I don't need the temptation to stumble. I am ending all physical relationships as of now. No more!!!

Today and last night have marked a turning point in my life. I am moving forward, upward, and I am not looking back or down. I am making changes in my life so that I can live a better more fruitful life. I want to live as Christ-like as possible. I don't want to say one thing and do another. I want to be able to be trusted, I want to be able to be confided in and I know some people can't do that right now because of where my heart is.

I am going to start taking small steps. I need to talk to some people and straighten things out, and I need to ask for forgiveness from some friends. I have been praying for God's forgiveness and comfort and also for guidance in my new journey. I am also starting to read my Bible on a daily basis, no more excuses. I am going to try a few different ways. I have a book called, The Bible in One Year, and Andrew also gave me a link to his friend Adam's website where he has posted a daily reading schedule.

All I can do now is ask for your prayers. Please be praying for me and my journey.

Family Ties

I just wanted to take a quick minute to remember my great uncle John. He died a few days ago of numerous heart attacks. He was having chest pain and being the kind of guy he was, didn't want to go to the doctor, but his four kids made him. He denied having chest pain while hooked up to the heart monitor when the doctor told him he was having a major heart attack. He went into surgery to try and fix his heart, but when he came out he had other complications and his kids decided to just let him go. So they "pulled the plugs." Today was the funeral service. My parents drove down to Oregon, but I did not want to go. I was tired from the weekend, and just wasn't in the mood.

Uncle John was a great guy. At least what I knew of him. He was always hilarious, making jokes and making us all laugh. I will never forget his long Santa looking beard.

Uncle John, you are now with your sister, my loving grandmother. Please be with her and take care of her and tell her I miss her a lot. I love you both and miss you too.

Death is such a hard part of life. I myself am not scared of dying, I just don't like dealing with the loss and pain of losing someone special. I can't get over the fact of the person not being here and not being able to see them until I die. I have only been to one funeral (my grandmother's) and that was enough for me. I don't like it, it was sad and hurt so bad to think that she was not going to be here anymore. I love you grandma and I know you are watching over me. RIP.

News

So I was away this weekend visiting some high school friends that go to Washington State Univ. Very fun times, but not very productive. I miss seeing the girls on a regular basis, but I don't think I could handle living in Pullman. Too cold and too snowy. I miss the California sunshine. If you want details of the weekend call me or IM me.

Also, if you didn't notice I joined facebook, so check out the link on the right. Peace for now.

My tunes not I Tunes

Today I bought two of Jeremy Camp's latest CDs, one is a more worship one and the other is just his. I also bought the Casting Crown's CD which is amazing. Actually all three are really good.

I am spending too much money....oh well, I will kick myself later.

Bummin

Last night was just one of those nights where I was sad and lonely and longed to be held. Of course, that was not possible due to my circumstances of being single and being away from friends. I found myself talking to some wonderful men online, my co-worker Erik, and my good ol' friend Tyler, who both had some very kind words to comfort me, but it wasn't enough. I ended up laying in my bed listening to Mercy Me (my favorite band) and crying hysterically. It was one of those uncontrolable cries where you can't stop and you don't really know why you are crying. I do have to say that it helped me to fall asleep and helped to release some pent up emotions that I hadn't released up until then.

Ok, so I think I found some feelings about Garden State. First I want to start off by saying I had no idea that Bill Sperry knows Zach Braff (from college). Second of all, it took me two times of watching it to make it all the way through. The first time I fell asleep and the second time I stopped it and then restarted it because it was kinda slow and I didn't know how everything was gonna connect in the end, and I am still not really sure about the beginning. Maybe I am missing something. Anyhow, I think the movie really got to me because it is a depiction of the last few years of my life. I really identified with Zach's character. My life is split into two. My life back here in Washington (where my family and long time friends are) and my life at school in California. Zach is also split between his home town where he grew up and his life as an actor in Los Angeles. Even my friends and Zach's friends are similar in ways that I choose not to disclose. I just feel so many similarities to Zach as he returns to his home town. Especially when he talks to Natalie Portman in the pool, about what "home" is. I have posted about that previously. I am not sure what home is, is it where you put your things, or where your heart is? He also says that he may not have a "home" until he starts a family and makes a new home for himself and his family. I agree and feel the same way, I may not know for a few more years. Then of course comes the love story. Zach and Natalie fall in love, but they are going to have to make it long distance or end it because he is going away. This is what happened to me when I was dating Tim. It hurt every time I had to say goodbye after a visit to Washington. I can't really explain it any more than this. If you have seen the movie, you know what I mean and what I am going through and have gone through. If you haven't seen it, you better. It is a good flick, just a little slow. If you have any questions about all this, let me know via phone or comment space.

Today I am thankful for opportunities and friends to expand your mind and horizons. Peace.

Revelations

I just finished watching Garden State. It is a good movie, but I need some time to settle. Too many emotions were struck by that film. Stay tuned for my reactions. Peace.

BFF (Best Friends Forever)

Recently I have been hanging out and chatting with friends that either I have known since 2nd grade or with friends who know like we have known each other for that long, but just met a few years ago. I have noticed that I am very lucky to have such amazing friends. I don't know how I could get through life without them, they are there for me no matter what.

It wasn't until a few days ago that I really began to think about what my friends mean to me. I was talking with Bill (Mr. Amazing himself) and realized that I have learned so much from him. Then I was talking to John (Mr. Cool) and thought to myself, he is so much fun, and we are like brother and sister. I can't even thank him for being there for me all the time. So on and on, I kept thinking about each one of my friends, and realized that if it weren't for each of them, I would have a pretty dull life.

So the point of my rambling....I love my friends. I can't say it enough, I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you all. Whether I have known you for years and years, or just a few days, I love you. In the past few days and weeks, I have really been trying to tell each and every one of friends how much they mean to me, and that I love them and appreciate their friendships. I think it important to tell them what they mean to you. You never know when they can be gone from your life, and I want them to know that I care about each and every one of them. It is also rewarding and you get a good feeling inside, all warm and fuzzy. I actually had a friend tell me how much they appreciated me as well and that was special, you learn how they really feel about you when you open up to them like that. I love it (or maybe I am just in a lovey dovey mood).

To all my friends: I LOVE YOU!!!!

You are right :(

Ok so I was laying around watching tv instead of Sex in the City because the season premiere of The Bachelorette was on. As I was sitting there watching these men try and hit on Jen, and try to put their best foot forward, I couldn't help but think of conversations I have had with my friend Tyler.

Tyler and I have always had differences in the shows we watch on tv. Tyler usually watches sports, whereas I watch those, plus shows such as Dr. Phil (which Tyler hates), Oprah, any kind of makeover show, Perfect Proposal, etc. I am into some of the reality shows, but I don't always follow them religiously. Whenever Tyler and I get together we always watch something (usually a movie because we can't agree with tv shows). Whenever we talk about tv, he always tell me that I watch "brain pollution."

It wasn't until today that I realized, "wow, Tyler was right, these shows are a bunch of brain pollution." I never really thought about it, but these guys on the show, just really made me think about what I was watching. How could I sit through two hours and not learn anything (except that I would never go on national television to find my possible husband)? I just didn't understand how pointless some shows really are. So Tyler, I just want to say that you were right, I do watch a lot of brain pollution. But you know, if they aren't hurting me, why should I stop watching them?

The shows that I watch are never bad shows, they just don't help me, teach me, or stimulate my brain. Maybe that is why I like them, they are just shows that take up time, and pass the time.

Do you watch brain pollution? If so, what do you watch?

Reality sucks

This weekend was a much needed break/vacation from work. As always, good things must come to an end, and that is just what happened. Today, my first day back in town and I am scheduled to work a double. I worked from open to close, 9-9. What a wonderful day, NOT!!

It wouldn't be so bad if we had some good people working, but Coho has the worst staff they have ever had. It doesn't make working very fun. Oh well, enough venting. I am going to go rent the first season of Sex and the City and just kick back for the night.

Peace.

Thoughtful

I just want to start off by saying congrats to Justin and Amy on their wedding day. They are so cute together and today was beautiful despite the rain.

As most of you know, I have been doing lots of reading and thinking over the past month while I have been home in Washington. It has been very enlightening, but at the same time, very dark and depressing. I don't know what I am supposed to do with all this information and knowledge. Where do I go from here? Recently I have been just laying around feeling miserable, and I don't know the cause.

I have been feeling lost. I don't know my place in life, I don't know where I am supposed to be. My mind is blurred with thoughts of love, passion, romance, and many other feelings. I am torn between two wonderful places and I don't have a sense of belonging, a sense of "home." I love so many different people in both places that my heart aches everytime I have to say goodbye (which has been frequent lately). I am tired of missing out on things that happen when I am not in town, I am tired of coming home to an empty nest with no one around. I came to my apartment this weekend and felt like I was moving into the dorms for the first time. It all felt so foreign to me. I was lost, I didn't know what to do with myself except cry and be sad and lonely. Then I realized that I was home and that I needed to get over my wollowing and do something about it, and I did.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that I feel a lack of direction, a mixture of unpleasant emotions, and more that I just can't put into words yet and that I haven't figured out. All I ask is that you pray for me however you feel led. Thanks.

Winter wonderland, or is it?

I have been waiting for this day since I came back to Washington. Today is the first day of snow at my house. This winter has been extremely dry for this neck of the woods. The mountains barely have snow. What a wonderful surprise to wake up to this afternoon (yes I didn't get up until after 12), snow covered sidewalks and driveways. After a little while I got all bundled up and decided to go walking in the snow, but I was saddened. The drizzling rain had melted the snow in just a few hours. How sad. Oh well, it is supposed to continue to snow all weekend. Hopefully it will let me get out of town safely tomorrow, so I don't miss Justin and Amy's wedding on Saturday.

To all of you students that are heading back to school, travel safe, be safe, and have fun. I will miss you all.

Happy Birthday Bev (Tim's mom)!!!

Off to dinner with my daddy. Peace.

You're killing me smalls

I have been thinking and reading alot which has been nice, and I think I understand a few things better now. However, I still do not understand the "single life." Why would someone want to be unmarried for their entire life? Now I know some people choose it, and some it just happens to, but I just can't imagine being without someone significant in my life.

I have thinking about my journey as a single woman, and I have to say that I would much rather be in a relationship with someone I cherish and adore. That isn't the case right now, and I am in need of some affection. I have been single now for over two months and it is good and bad. I miss having someone to cuddle with at night, I miss the simple kisses, I miss the security and comfort you get when you are with someone.

I must say that I have learned alot through all of the single time, and I am growing in Christ. But that doesn't make it any easier.

There is a hole in my pocket

So now that I am working at Coho, I am making good tips (at least $20 a day). So I paid all my bills and rent and all that and am basically just living off of my tips. So I have had more money and it is just burning a hole in my pocket. I couldn't decide what I wanted to buy and then I remembered that I didn't get the CDs I wanted for Christmas so I decided to take my break today and go and buy them.

I purchased the newest album by Mercy Me "Undone" and Chris Tomlin's "Arriving." Both are good CDs, but I definitely have to say I am a huge Mercy Me fan and this CD is amazing. I love Bart's voice, so pure and amazing. Good times, I am happy now. Good purchase.

Today I am thankful for slippers and sweaters. It is so cold up here, it got down into the low 20s last night and today was cold again with no clouds in the sky.

I can't wait to come home to Cali this weekend. So excited to see everyone.

Time flies

Today I am thankful for the gift of hearing and sight. I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition and it really touched my heart. It was a family with Deaf parents and a hearing (normal) son, and the other son was blind and autistic. It is just amazing to me how they dealt with everyday occurences, yet had to worry about their son escaping in the night and not being able to sleep. It was hard for them to communicate with each other and I think alot of people take that for granted. It is hard to imagine being deaf or even blind. I look up to people that have high hopes despite their disabilities. That is why I am majoring in what I am. I want to help these people, I want to be a light in someone's life.

I cannot believe that it is already a new year. It seems like I just started school. I feel like I didn't go to school for the whole semester, it is amazing how time flies when you are having fun and enjoying life.

I am sad because this week all my friends are starting to head back to school and I am heading to Cali for a weekend, but I still have a month left here in Washington. How sad is that?

I have had such an amazing time while I have been home. It has been a mix of sadness, loneliness, but overall very fun and adventurous. I love coming home and getting together with the crew of girls and just having fun being together and catching up on life. It is weird how friendships never change. Good times girls.

My new year is going to be about having fun and not holding back. I am all about living life to the fullest with no regrets. I am tired of being that little girl who never takes risks and is always in the shadows. It is time for me to step out and live. I don't want to live how others want me to, I want to do what I want and I want to have fun doing it. It is a new year and I want to try new things, experience different cultures, and live out loud.

If you have something in mind that will help to achieve this goal let me know. I am all about doing these things with people and friends.

Peace.