Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The lowest of lows

Do you know that saying that says you have to hit rock bottom before you can work your way back up? Well that is where I am at. I am at the lowest of low. I am deep on the canyon floor looking in only one direction, up. Up to the skies, up to the top of the valley, up to my one and only, looking up to God.

I have recently (within the past couple of days and nights) come to the conclusion that I need to make some major life changes, and start over. I have not been living the life I wished to live. I have not been living a good Christian life (whatever that may mean). I have been living a life of lies, cheating, and I have been one of those hypocritical Christians.

I have fallen into the traps of society. I have allowed myself to be pressured into things I thought I wanted when in fact I didn't really want them and I knew they were bad for me.

That is not the only thing on my heavy heart tonight. I have been feeling like I am only an object of men's affection. Many guys in my life right now have just wanted me physically/sexually. I am not going to take it anymore. I don't need that, nor do I want it. I don't want men looking at me and wanting to get with me (although I know it will still happen because that is just how some guys are), but I don't want to play into it. I am sick of guys talking about me and my body, I am tired of them not wanting all of me. I want and need a man that is going to love me and love all of me. I don't need sexual impurity in my life, and I don't need the temptation to stumble. I am ending all physical relationships as of now. No more!!!

Today and last night have marked a turning point in my life. I am moving forward, upward, and I am not looking back or down. I am making changes in my life so that I can live a better more fruitful life. I want to live as Christ-like as possible. I don't want to say one thing and do another. I want to be able to be trusted, I want to be able to be confided in and I know some people can't do that right now because of where my heart is.

I am going to start taking small steps. I need to talk to some people and straighten things out, and I need to ask for forgiveness from some friends. I have been praying for God's forgiveness and comfort and also for guidance in my new journey. I am also starting to read my Bible on a daily basis, no more excuses. I am going to try a few different ways. I have a book called, The Bible in One Year, and Andrew also gave me a link to his friend Adam's website where he has posted a daily reading schedule.

All I can do now is ask for your prayers. Please be praying for me and my journey.

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